Novice's journey

A novice in our monastery, who has now been with us for about 11 months, asked for a blessing to write a blog about his experience in coming to the monastery. The following blog is from Brother Ephraim.

DECEMBER, 2011

This will be my last journal entry for a while. I took a walk today to the nearby dikes and realized something very important. How often I have become ungrateful for what I have. How often I just take things for granted. When walking, I saw the snow capped mountains and the light snow on the lower portions of the mountains. The breeze was chilling but had a familiar smell to it. Even though I enjoy the sights of nature, something came over me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't grateful for what I had received so freely since coming to the monastery.
    My walk reminded me of how I felt when I first entered Canada. I remember I felt total fear of the future, the despair and uncertainty of the present and future. There was a feeling that the whole world was falling on me, the fear of where I would go if my life ended at that point. How often I have felt that I "deserved" something different. I then looked at what I currently had.
    I was surrounded by people who loved me for me! I realized I have a home. A home that consists of love and compassion. A home that was comforting and I could "call home". A group of people that didn't care about who I had been before I came to the monastery. My main concern now is to overcome the uncertainty of my being. The pain and doubt that I carry everyday. The fears that stand in my way. The fear of what may happen in the future. I will no longer feel the need to change myself for this or that person so that they "like" or "accept" me. I did this all my life, mainly looking for acceptance from others. To prove that I'm "worthy" of their acceptance. I am who I am and you can love me or hate me. Obviously, I have to look at the differences in how I communicate with others based on their life experiences and the emotional state that they are in when I meet them. My story doesn't change but my approach is sometimes different as to not hurt or harm them further. But I will not lie in order for their acceptance. This is a freedom which I have found after experiencing the monastic life.
    I hope that God is the answer to my healing. Healing of myself and all the inadequacies that I have. Healing me from the bondage of self. I can only hope and pray that one day I don't feel that I'm less than anyone else. I pray that I no longer hate but have compassion for those individuals who have hurt me in the past. That I can love, no matter who the person is or what sins they have committed towards me or others. How often I think to myself, "I'm glad I'm not that bad" but when I take an honest look at myself, I realize that I'm just as bad or worse than them. I'm not there yet but I pray that one day I can possess that sort of "spirituality" and forgiveness for myself and others. Who am I to judge? But I do. Who am I to have such feelings or thoughts towards others. But I justify my thoughts about them before looking at myself. I need to face my fears. I need to stop running away. I need to look at it for the truth so that I may be saved. I do realize that until I take responsibility for myself and my actions, I will be living in a delusion and hurting others, even though I do not intend to do so.
    My battles now are of an internal nature. I do not wish to exclude myself from others but many of these items are not meant to be discussed in this journal. I'm just an "average Joe" trying to repent and lThis will be my last journal entry for a while. I took a walk today to the nearby dikes and realized something very important. How often I have become ungrateful for what I have. How often I just take things for granted. When walking, I saw the snow capped mountains and the light snow on the lower portions of the mountains. The breeze was chilling but had a familiar smell to it. Even though I enjoy the sights of nature, something came over me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't grateful for what I had received so freely since coming to the monastery.
    My walk reminded me of how I felt when I first entered Canada. I remember I felt total fear of the future, the despair and uncertainty of the present and future. There was a feeling that the whole world was falling on me, the fear of where I would go if my life ended at that point. How often I have felt that I "deserved" something different. I then looked at what I currently had.
    I was surrounded by people who loved me for me! I realized I have a home. A home that consists of love and compassion. A home that was comforting and I could "call home". A group of people that didn't care about who I had been before I came to the monastery. My main concern now is to overcome the uncertainty of my being. The pain and doubt that I carry everyday. The fears that stand in my way. The fear of what may happen in the future. I will no longer feel the need to change myself for this or that person so that they "like" or "accept" me. I did this all my life, mainly looking for acceptance from others. To prove that I'm "worthy" of their acceptance. I am who I am and you can love me or hate me. Obviously, I have to look at the differences in how I communicate with others based on their life experiences and the emotional state that they are in when I meet them. My story doesn't change but my approach is sometimes different as to not hurt or harm them further. But I will not lie in order for their acceptance. This is a freedom which I have found after experiencing the monastic life.
    I hope that God is the answer to my healing. Healing of myself and all the inadequacies that I have. Healing me from the bondage of self. I can only hope and pray that one day I don't feel that I'm less than anyone else. I pray that I no longer hate but have compassion for those individuals who have hurt me in the past. That I can love, no matter who the person is or what sins they have committed towards me or others. How often I think to myself, "I'm glad I'm not that bad" but when I take an honest look at myself, I realize that I'm just as bad or worse than them. I'm not there yet but I pray that one day I can possess that sort of "spirituality" and forgiveness for myself and others. Who am I to judge? But I do. Who am I to have such feelings or thoughts towards others. But I justify my thoughts about them before looking at myself. I need to face my fears. I need to stop running away. I need to look at it for the truth so that I may be saved. I do realize that until I take responsibility for myself and my actions, I will be living in a delusion and hurting others, even though I do not intend to do so.
    My battles now are of an internal nature. I do not wish to exclude myself from others but many of these items are not meant to be discussed in this journal. I'm just an "average Joe" trying to repent and learn the ways of the Orthodox Faith.
    My daily routines are basically the same each day. I look after the property. I try to help the Brotherhood anyway I can. I try to be a better person than I was before but I constantly fall to old behaviours and beliefs. I have come a long way (my opinion) since first arriving at the monastery but I wish to be better. I have come to realize that I will not forget the past but I find it no longer acceptable to allow it to control who I am and the possibilities of who I can become.
    God bless all of you.earn the ways of the Orthodox Faith.
    My daily routines are basically the same each day. I look after the property. I try to help the Brotherhood anyway I can. I try to be a better person than I was before but I constantly fall to old behaviours and beliefs. I have come a long way (my opinion) since first arriving at the monastery but I wish to be better. I have come to realize that I will not forget the past but I find it no longer acceptable to allow it to control who I am and the possibilities of who I can become.
    God bless all of you.

Late August 2011

As you can tell, follow through is not my strongest point. I will attempt again to post on my journal once every other week. Wow, a lot has happened since I last wrote. Recently we celebrated the “Joy of Canada” feast. We had quite a few visitors that stayed at the monastery. They all came with a willingness to work. This was a tremendous help. Everyone rolled up their sleeves and helped with cleaning, dishes, food preparations, washing of tables and chairs and the grounds. A family also came to the monastery to help set up the canopies. Unfortunately the weather was wet in the morning but the mosquitoes were horrible. It appeared that everyone who came really enjoyed themselves despite the periods of rain.

The following day of the feast, a group of us went to Harrison Hot Springs for a picnic. A smaller group of us stayed for the day. It was great. Beautiful weather and scenery. It also gave me a chance to get to know a couple of the guests. It’s nice when we have overnight visitors because it allows for time to get to know them on a more personal level. It also gives the visitors a chance to relax and “temporarily” escape the world. So many visitors have mentioned the feeling of peace and serenity that they experience while they are here and they wish that it would continue once they leave. It’s really nice to see people just relax and enjoy themselves. On average, by the third day, people relax and realize that a quiet environment is a nice change from their daily life. When I arrived at the monastery, I loved the quiet surroundings but I also thought that my life was going to become very boring. Well, I’m happy to say, that’s not how I feel. I enjoy the company but I also enjoy when we are back to normal as well. I guess it’s kind of like grandchildren. You spend time with them, try to make sure that they are happy and content and then give them back to their parents. I’m sure some of you can appreciate this.

Over the last few weeks I’ve tried to get the grounds cleaned up. With all the rain it almost feels impossible to keep the weeds, shrubs, and grass cut. I’m told, “that’s why BC is so green”. Makes sense but it can sometimes be aggravating. I recently made about 1000 candles. It took about 2 ½ days. Father Moses helps during part of the process which is a great benefit to me. Vladika Varlaam and I picked some blueberries from our field. We found some really plump and juicy berries. So far, the bears haven’t eaten everything. I’m planning on installing an electric fence around some fruit trees near Vladika Varlaam’s house. The apple tree is currently full of fruit.

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A couple of years ago, I would have never imagined going to a monastery, let alone living at one. Over the last year, I have served in the altar, chanted, and have been asked or "told" to participate in the actual Liturgy. These items have not only been new to me but difficult, especially the chanting. I just freeze up even when it's only the monks. I don't know why that is. I think part of it is the fact that I do not wish to be the "centre of attention" so to speak. I'm not afraid of making a mistake and no one has ever said anything about it. In my secular life, I've spoken to a 100 plus people on many occasions for presentations and misc. reasons. I would start out nervous but would relax within a couple of minutes. I do know that at that time my ego had a large part to do with it because I wanted people to see me as a more intellectual person. It also had to do with status. "I have the answers or knowledge you need so you better listen to me" is how I felt most of the time. I don't feel that way in services. I sure hope this nervous feeling I have subsides soon.

I used to be nervous serving because I have never done that before either. I'm still learning why we do certain things during the Liturgy and other services. I want to know why we do these things rather than it just being an action taken during the services. Luke and Andrew have helped me tremendously and they still give me cues from time to time. They are a big help. Others have also helped me. I'm not so nervous as before. I'll eventually get it.

I have currently been asked to make the prosfora.This is a big deal for me. Number one to be asked to do it in the first place but to prepare something that will become holy. Being the sinner I am and the many things I have done in my life that I'm deeply ashamed of. To me, it's an honor to be asked. Once the prosfora has been blessed it will be used for the prayers of everyone, both living and dead. It becomes the body of Christ. It's important to me that it is prepared the way that I have been taught by Vladika. My understanding is that it's currently prepared basically in the same fashion as it has been for a couple of thousand years. The main difference is that we use a conventional oven. It is good when Vladika tells me that it has been prepared correctly since he needs certain parts of the bread when preparing for Holy Communion but other than the Vladikas, I really don't pay attention to what others think. I'm not doing it for the acceptance of others and I have a hard enough time fighting the passion of pride so I don't want this to become something that I feel is about me. It has nothing to do with me!!

I haven't written for quite a long time. I wanted to concentrate on the topic of acceptance. I've been at the monastery for over a year now. I've been very surprised with the feeling I've had regarding acceptance from others. For the most part, only a couple of people have asked questions regarding my past life but most people don't seem to care. When I got here, I was extremely broken inside. The last thing I wanted was to be asked a bunch of questions. To my surprise, people just left me alone and tried to make me feel welcome. Sometimes I would be asked to sit with them during the Agape meals that follow Liturgy on Sundays. This sounds or appears to be a minimal thing but it made me feel a "part" of the group. I usually sat with the Vladika's because it was a safe place for me and who really wants to sit by themselves.

Over the time that I've been here my feelings of acceptance have grown. When I was told that I had been accepted into the brotherhood I had a hard time because most of the monks knew very little about me, partly because of my own fear of judgment from others. It has proved itself over many years, that when I open up and let others in, then things change because of the lack of compassion and understanding. I try not to hold this against others because most people have been hurt by others and this may resemble the same mistakes I have made myself. I feel that as a whole, I have been accepted as a person. Not based on who I "should be". Not based on "what I should have done" or "haven't done.

I'm able to be myself. Wow, now that's nice. Not having to be someone else or say this or that in order to be accepted. I can just be me. I have parts that are playful, mature, mischievous and humorous in my own way. But these are parts of me and I haven't felt that it's wrong for me to act my age only. Of course I'm an adult, but my point is that I can actually let my guard down and be myself without the constant feeling of judgment from others. Over the year, I've been invited to others’ homes. One person allowed me to go to their home to watch the Superbowl game. The person didn't like or care about the game, but it made me feel good that they would allow me to enjoy the game even though they had no interest in it whatsoever (and the Steeler's lost).

Some people call the monastery and they ask about me. Some of them I don't really know but yet they still ask. We received a card last week from someone I've never met and they included me in the card. I pick-up on these types of things because it shows me that they have accepted me in the group. When I go with Vladika to a parish on Sunday and they don't see me, they ask where I am. Things such as this make me feel wanted and missed. It makes me feel accepted and that I have friendships that are more than just acquaintances. The fact they even notice that I'm not there is new to me. I have more friends now than I have ever had and it feels good. And just think, I'm being myself and they're still willing to be friends.

On the flip side, I've learned how to better accept others as well. Not to always look at them as to "what they're looking to get from me". It doesn't matter to me if there's a bit of a language barrier. It doesn't matter if they have a higher education or know more than me regarding the Orthodox faith. Everyone has issues of some sort and since I don't want to be judged or shown a lack of compassion it's wrong for me to do the same to others. At the monastery, I come into contact with a lot of different types of people. They have different cultures, ethnic backgrounds, languages and they sometimes have some sort of "dilemma" or "problem" they are trying to deal with. But they are ALL people and should be treated the same; with love, compassion, and understanding. This is sometimes very difficult. We have had a couple of visitors that I just didn't like and that's to be expected, but I try not too judge, but accept them as they are.

One of the areas that I still have problems with are the feelings associated with the need for material items. How often I have thought through my life that if I had this or that I would be happy. For me, I found that I was never satisfied. I have met individuals with almost nothing that are happier then those who have so much.
I found that material items can cause a lot of unnecessary stress. Sure, many things are needed within today's world but how often I bought things that were much more than what was necessary. For instance, I bought a large four bedroom home when there were only 3 people that would be living there. So, I ended up with a much larger mortgage, which created more stress in order to make the payments each month. So, with the fluctuation in the economy I created more stress because of the possibility of a layoff. When I purchased my work truck, it had a tinted sunroof with many extras that had nothing to do with my work. I always justified it, in that if my wife needed to use the vehicle she would enjoy these extras. Of course I never intended for her to use the vehicle in the first place. When I spent money I didn't have, I would use a credit card and when the payments got to a point where it was impossible to pay the cards down, I would refinance the home montage which once again raised the mortgage payment. Sure, sometimes you have no choice but to charge things such as a vehicle that needs some repair work. Or maybe you are low on cash for gas or groceries. Trust me, I fully realize what can pop-up in the real world.
    I do believe that families should have a cellphone for emergencies but is it really necessary to have unlimited text messaging and internet service to check my email. I will admit though, the text message part saved me a lot of time with my business. But different people have different needs.
    Another example of unnecessary spending was when I bought my first Harley. This one was actually within my means and was purchased for the enjoyment of riding. Then shortly after, I "needed" a second one that was bigger, newer, more attractive, and more powerful. It was for ego, period.
    So many times I thought that if I buy this or that for my family, it would improve our relationship. Never really looking at the fact that it was me that needed to change. Sadly, I expected others to change, rather than me.
    When the day came that I lost everything, I actually felt less as a person. I truly believed that I needed those items in order to be happy. Over some time though, I realized this isn't true. True happiness comes from within no matter how much or how little I have.
    I realize now, that what I was searching for was intimacy within my relationships. I think that intimacy is achieved from love and love consists of honesty, compassion, trust, and humility. I always thought that intimacy could only be achieved when sex was involved but I no longer think that. Intimacy exists only when love is present and it really has nothing to do with sex.
     Currently, all my "needs" are met. I have shelter and plenty of food. I'm surrounded by people who actually care about me as a person. I have persons that I trust which is extremely important to me. I believe this is genuine, because the only thing I have to offer is my time and my experiences from my secular life.
    So, through love, a relationship with God, and putting forth whatever action is needed, I hope one day that I will be released from the bondage of self. This, to me, would be freedom. And I have been able to experience bits and pieces of it since arriving at the monastery.

7
NATIVITY

This "holiday" season was a nice experience for me. A few days before the secular Christmas, a group of men came to the monastery and put up lights, a tree and decorations. It looked beautiful when they finished. One evening, I turned the lights on and just sat there and enjoyed it for about 30 minutes. I've always enjoyed the lights and decorations. It was quiet and peaceful
One evening, one of the monks and myself went out for a drive to check out the lights and decorations in nearby neighbourhoods. Ever since I was a little kid, I enjoyed going around and looking at the lights. It was nice that I was able to do it this year with someone who seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. It's surprising how much time and energy some people spend in decorating their homes. We found quite a few that were quite impressive.
    In my secular life, I have to admit that I enjoyed putting up a lot of lights; around the windows, porch railing, rain gutters, the top of the fence around the entire yard, the shed, inside the house ..... well, you get the point. I was also competing with one of my neighbours. I remember I bought this huge polar bear with Santa on top. Well, that neighbour had gotten a 12 foot Santa. He got me once again. But I did enjoy the final product. The worst part was taking it all down.
    In the past, I have always gotten depressed around the holiday season. Most of my childhood experiences were anything but joyful. I did have some nice Christmas's over the years but I think this year was one of the nicest I have had in a long time.
It was nice not having to deal with the crowds, traffic and sometimes rude people while shopping. Trying to find "that gift" that was better than the previous year's gift. It always bothered me when it was "expected" to purchase something for people I never saw or heard from all year. It seemed as though the whole point of Christmas was giving and receiving material gifts. The emphasis was never on the true meaning of Christmas.
    At the monastery, we celebrate Nativity on Jan. 7th because we follow the old calendar. I was baptized and chrismated on Jan 6th and received my first communion on Jan 7th a few years ago. This year, the emphasis was on the birth of Christ and also, being with others who wanted to celebrate the same, and the fellowship that followed the services. I actually received a couple gifts which really surprised me. I still can't help to think why people would even think about me. I haven't really been here all that long but I can say, I'm grateful for the relationships I have with others now. I never once felt that I was less than anyone because I wasn't able to give back. This year's holiday season was extremely special to me.

6
20 December

      As I look back into my secular life, it's amazing (or sad) to me how I allowed myself to be so greatly influenced by others and "social norms". I was so concerned about my self image. I would use my possessions as a way to express to others, my social standing. I always wanted the higher ground. My character flaws, such as greed, envy, ego, and pride, to name a few, were gleaming all the time. I didn't want others to see it so I masked them in order to hide them, sometimes being successful and sometimes not.
    I wasn't much into fashion, however, there were places that I would not shop. These were thrift shops and second hand stores. I considered these to be places for under privileged individuals. I thought I was higher than this. In my secular life, I did make donations to the local Salvation Army. Yes, I did think that someone else might be able to use these items but I was mainly concerned about the tax breaks involved with the donations. Once again, my charity in this area was based on money.
    Now, this is were I shop. I purchased a shirt for $5 that looked brand new as well as a winter coat for $15. I would have paid at least 5X that amount going to another store.
So I guess this would be one more example of humility, not humiliation as these words are completely different in meaning. Once again, I have now seen another piece of how I actually was in my past. Constant judgment of others, ego trips, and the need to have others view me as I wanted them too. These are traits that I still have and I battle with them everyday. They just manifest themselves in different ways. Just because I came to a monastery doesn't mean all these
traits just get "poofed" away. For me, it doesn't work that way. It requires a daily fight, with prayer and action.
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    Another discipline in the monastic community is never to eat meat which I ate almost everyday in my secular life.
    A couple monks and myself went to a buffet style restaurant one day, which doesn't happen often. I loaded up my plate with noodles, rice, veggies and such, then I saw these garlic and honey chicken wings. It was like they were calling out to me. One of the monks gave me
dispensation (since I'm a Novice) to eat meat if I wished too. (Dispensation is basically when your given a blessing not to follow a particular rule at that time). Yup, got up and came back with a pile of those chicken wings with a couple other kinds as well. Wow, it was tasty but I actually felt guilty eating them in front of the other monks, but they told me I shouldn't feel bad and to enjoy them. The only meat I really miss is bacon. I'm really surprised at all the soy products that are available. We actually had soy (tofu) hot dogs; not bad at all. Another time that is difficult at times are Wednesdays & Fridays. These are strict fasting days, meaning we don't consume any dairy products as well. Sorry, but soy milk does not taste like milk. Vladika buys chocolate soy milk for me which makes the transition much easier.
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5
19-22 NOVEMBER, 2010

Within the monastic community, we are not supposed to cut our hair. From my understanding, it's just based on old traditions. I used to be very clean cut and my entire head (the area that actually had hair) was cut to about 1/8 of an inch. Well, my hair hasn't been this long since I was 18 years old. I have to admit though, some of it was driving me crazy so the scissors came out for a quick trim. It's progress, not perfection, right?
    As a Novice, I'm allowed to have flexibility with the "typical rules" provided I get a blessing first. I do my best to live by the monastic ways but I do fall from time to time. I would be ecstatic if this was the only area in which I fall, but that is unrealistic for me. Each day is a new day and I try to improve with each day.
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At the monastery, we don't have trash pick-up, so every Monday, we gather all the trash and take it to the dump. I call one of the monks, Mr Greenjeans because he is so particular about recycling. Yes, I know, it's best for the environment but I give this monk a hard time about it all the time. It's done in a joking fashion, never meant to offend him. Anyway, now I find myself washing and recycling plastic, glass, paper and tin and the recycling saves us money as we don't have to pay for those bags.
    In my secular life, I paid a company to pick-up my trash and never recycled any of it. To be honest, I really didn't care. I left the responsibility to someone else, because my time was too precious and it took time away from what I wanted to do; like I was really that important.
    So even this is now an area that has changed for me. It's something that's best for the environment that can be done now in order to help others at another time. Little items such as this can better everyone and I believe that this is now one of my responsibilities.
*****************************                                                                                                    I used to be a big gamer and I'm sure some of you know this term. I primarily played on my PS3, on-line, sometimes sitting there for hours and even the entire day. What I have come to realize, is that I used this as a form of escape, yet another way to escape reality. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the games, but it was the length of time and the reason why I was playing that was so destructive. Anything in excess is usually not good.
I took one of the monks to the doctor's office where there was this little side room with two computer screens. As my curiosity got the better of me, I saw a couple of PS3 controllers. Well, you already know what I did. I really enjoyed it. At one point, I looked over my shoulder, at the "adults" in the waiting room as they pretended to be engrossed with their magazines, but I saw them shoot this quick look at me......... probably something like "doesn't he think he's a little old to be playing video games"?
That didn't stop me and I actually found the whole thing quite humorous. It was nice to play a game solely for enjoyment, not as a means of escaping. That evening during supper, I "suggested" it might be best that I drive to this doctor's office whenever someone had an appointment. I explained the video game to the other monks even though they had no idea what I was talking about. I shared this story with a few of the children on Sunday and we had a good laugh.

4.
5 November 2010

The monks meet to eat together for lunch and supper but are on their own for breakfast. It's nice to eat together. In my secular life, we tried to eat together as a family but due to job scheduling, it only occurred for short periods of time. Even as a child, when we did have supper together, it was always a very stressful and quiet environment, the type of quiet that's very uncomfortable. It's an enjoyable time when we eat at the monastery. It's never stressful and we talk about all sorts of things.One of the monks does all the cooking and he's a very good cook so that's a bonus! Plus there's plenty of food. I used to be what is called a "junk food addict". Now, at the monastery, I have eaten more healthy than I have in my entire life and I'm also exposed to a much wider range of foods. As a result, I'm not as finicky as I once was, though I still don't like beets.....yuc

29 October 2010

   I really enjoy waking up peacefully, and after the morning prayer, grabing my first cup of coffee, and taking a walk around the grounds. I enjoy watching the baby woodpeckers, listening to the birds, and hearing the breeze going through the leaves. Ah, now this is how a day should start. I don't have to think about what I have to do for the day. I can just enjoy the moment.   I would listen to the birds and watch the squirrels play, in my old life, but it was usually interrupted by a phone call or text message, or it was a customer calling about this or that stupid thing. I no longer have a cell and I'm happier without one. I have to admit that I still reach for it from time to time but this is strictly from habit. I found this funny. A monk and I needed to go to Home Depot for some materials and we got lost. I actually had to stop and ask for directions (after getting completely frustrated first). I used to have a GPS telling me where to turn. I also had a cellphone to call, text, or go on-line to get directions. Not anymore. I do miss a GPS from time to time, but it is possible to survive without it. I guess I had better brush up on my map reading skills.
    I spoke earlier of being grateful for things in my life. One of the homes that I lived in was 4 bedrooms, 2 1/2 baths and on an acre lot. Although it was quite a large house, I wasn't grateful for it at all because I felt that I "deserved" it. I had this same attitude towards most things in my secular life. Now, I have my own room. It consists of a bed, dresser, desk, some icons and a couple other pieces of furniture. It's my own space and consists of items that are important to me. One of those items are my icons.   When I was travelling, I carried a cut out picture in my wallet, of the Theotokis holding Christ. Later, I managed to buy an icon of Christ that I carried in my backpack. During those times, it was the only source of strength and hope that I had. Remember, when I arrived at the monastery, I had the bag on my back and about $30 in my pocket.   One of the monks starting giving me icons for my room. Another monk gave me one, and I was given my Saint’s icon from the monastery. These icons mean more to me because someone gave them to me freely. I never asked for them.   At the monastery, we mainly dress in black. I had a black hat, black shirt, and black pants. The problem is that my sneakers appeared to glow white. I was extremely self-conscious. It really hit my pride. One day, one of the monks bought me a pair of shoes at a local thrift shop and dyed them black. I was shocked. I never imagined someone doing this for me. I get teary eyed every time I think about it. It had that much of an impact on me. It was such a selfless act based on the compassion for another. I am grateful for my black shoes
    On another occasion, my belt began to fall apart. I mentioned needing to get one but I was having trouble finding one. About 2 weeks later, one of the monks handed me a belt and said to try it on. It fit. What amazed me, was that he actually remembered me saying it. And then to get it for me and not ask for anything in return. It's sad to say, but I never experienced this type of behavior in my old life. I'm grateful for my possessions and the monks in my life.

The weather was great today. Warm sunshine, a slight breeze, and white fluffy clouds against the blue skies. So, I took a walk at a nearby creek where the scenery was absolutely beautiful. The stream was surrounded by trees and the mountains were fully visible. The trees were green, brilliant yellow, and many various shades of red. I have never seen water so clear in my life. I came upon a shallow pool that had about 50 salmon, some of which were jumping up stream. They also have a wide range of colors and these fish are huge and they have some big choppers. I was quite surprised by the size of their teeth. Yikes! I also saw many different types of birds and some fresh bear tracks, so, I made sure that I stayed aware of my surroundings.

Wow, what a wonderful experience and it's only 5 minutes from the monastery. I have always enjoyed the wilderness. I would sometimes do the same in my secular life but it was usually because I was so stressed out, rather than just doing it because it was a beautiful day.

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    Currently, I'm what's considered a Novice. This is basically a position that allows me to live as a monk without making an actual commitment to the monastery. It gives me the time to decide if I really want to pursue the monastic way of life. Whenever I speak with someone, usually outside the monastery, about my interest in becoming a monk, I almost always hear the same two questions: Why? and What's it like? So I've decided to try to answer those questions based on my own experiences.   I'm going to have to back track in order to better explain my transition from a secular life. I was a successful business man who owned my own business, earned a six figure salary, owned multiple properties and vehicles, and had many "toys". At that time, I thought all these "things" were really important and that what I had was never enough. I always felt the need to have more. At that time, I wasn't grateful for any of it. Due to many issues, I found myself homeless and broke. I wandered around for months, trying to figure out what I really wanted out of life. I knew I could slowly rebuild my life. My fear was that I would end up in the same situation and with the same results, and I didn't want that.   During my travels, I believe God allowed me to see the truth about myself. The deep truths. Truths that are sometimes dark and ugly. For some time now, I have put a lot of time into searching within myself to discover why I was so miserable, why I wrecked my life and destroyed so many relationships. I believe God showed me exactly how and why I did these things. After seeing or realizing these truths about myself, I didn't want to continue the same behaviour. After a few months, I decided to go to a monastery. I didn't want to live but I was afraid of dying. It was the only hope I felt I had. I finally just gave up and threw in the towel.
    I arrived at the monastery about 6 months ago as a broken man that had no where to go and no one to call. A man that was all alone. What a terrible place to be in life. My first few weeks are a blur. I was given a place to sleep, food, and a sense that things "might" actually be "OK". The monks took the time to listen and they never asked anything of me. This, I was not used too. I began to establish a relationship with the monks. Relationships built on honesty; not on what they could get from me. This was also a big change from what I have experienced in life.   I obviously attended all the services. The church felt so familiar to me and looks so much like my parish back home. I felt a sense of ease in the church. Shortly after arriving at the monastery, I began doing some work around the grounds. It helped me to feel as though I had something to offer even though they didn't ask me to do anything. I also used this time to reflect on my own issues. I was still very uncomfortable at the time.
    I have had to learn, how to ask for things. This is a long process and it's part of the term "discipline" that is used within the monastery.   In the past, I was always financially independent and could go where I wanted, when I wanted, for as long as I wanted, with no explanation. Well, this is a mind set that is very hard to change. If I need toothpaste for example, I have to ask for the money. Then I have to tell them what it is for and, I have to ask for a ride to the store. Even so, I have learned to be grateful for something as small as this because they freely do this for me. There's never an ulterior motive.   I have to take a medication everyday; it's something I must have. Again, I had to ask for this. I can't stress how hard it is for me to simply ask for help. It's something I seldom did in my secular life, because there was always an excuse as to why others (family and friends) couldn't help me. People always had unrealistic expectations or conditions for a "favour". They would usually bring it up constantly for me to remember how great they were to help me in the first place. I don't have this type of feeling at the monastery. They took me to the doctor, picked up my medication, and never once made me feel as though I was a nuisance. They actually provided for me because it was best for me. As you can tell, that's not the behaviour that I'm accustomed too.